Thursday, February 21, 2008

Size Does Matter!

Like most people, I get dozens or hundreds of emails every day urging me to enlarge my manly equipment.

Add inches to your mojo! Make your significant other scream with delight! etc. etc.

Well, the Swedish lion doesn’t actually need any enlargement medication. After all, you can’t enlarge what you don’t have.

Remember this?

The Swedish lion

Back in December there was a big controversy over the unmanning of Sweden’s heraldic lion. The conflict resurfaced today when Sweden’s state heraldist (I wish we had one of those) went public with his anger over the busybodies at the Nordic Battlegroup.

Here’s the article from the Local. Warning to sensitive readers: the “p” word is used in this story! So read cautiously:
- - - - - - - - -
Heraldists want penis reinstated on military badge

Sweden’s chief heraldists remain dissatisfied with a decision by the Nordic Battlegroup to remove a lion’s penis depicted on its coat of arms.

But staff at the National Archives are hopeful that the Nordic Battlegroup will reconsider its position and re-erect the lion’s member on its insignia.

“They stepped over the line when they made alterations to the badge without consulting us. It was a clear breach of copyright,” state heraldist Henrik Klackenberg told The Local.

Although the heraldry unit is unlikely to take any legal action, Klackenberg said he would appreciate an apology from the Armed Forces.

Here’s my favorite part: the original operation on the manly lion was purportedly carried out at the behest of disgruntled women in the Swedish armed forces. Now it appears that this was yet another piece of disinformation from the proponents of enforced gender neutrality:

After an initial flurry of media reports in December last year, the Commander of the Nordic Battlegroup, Karl Engelbrektsson, revealed that it was he who he had ordered the alteration. This ran contrary to initial reports suggesting that the emasculation occurred following pressure from female soldiers.

It also seems that the ever-vigilant leaders of Sweden’s finest are concerned that a fully-equipped lion would encourage the abuse of — ahem — lionesses:

In an interview with Sveriges Radio, the Commander said he decided to give the lion the snip having read UN Security Council Resolution 1325 on women, peace and security.

With civilian women often falling victim to sexual abuse in the war zones of the world, the Commander said he did not consider the male appendage an appropriate symbol for his troops to wear into battle.

But what if the lion were gay? Would it be OK then?

Perhaps his lifestyle preference could be indicated on the heraldic design by, say, high-heels and eye shadow. Then everyone would be assured that his generative organ would never, ever harm any members of the weaker sex societally constructed female gender.

But heraldic artist Vladimir A Sagerlund was dismayed at what he viewed as an alarming lack of historical awareness. In former times, he said, coats of arms containing lions without genitalia were given to those who betrayed the Swedish Crown.

So what’s the problem here? Seems like the revised lion might be appropriate after all…

And as Sagerlund’s colleague points out, the heraldry unit would have no qualms about making alterations to the original image if requested to do so by the military.

“We could make the dimensions a bit smaller, for example. Once we were commissioned to create a similar symbol for Swedish Customs. When they thought it was a bit much they sent it back to us and we just shrank the organ,” said Klackenberg.

Ah, the poor lion. They shrank his organ!

Now he’ll have to answer one of those emails…

Hat tip: TB.


Gryffilion said...

He would, but he gave all of his money to a deposed Nigerian monarch.

Gaeidhil said...

The red hand...

Now if it were an Irish symbol they would cut off the lion and display a prominent bleeding penis, smack dab in he middle of the emblem.

That mentality tends to send a strong message to your adversaries.