Monday, April 26, 2010

“Dear Idiots”

Farshad Kholghi writes a weekly satirical column for the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten, and yesterday he used The Iliad as his point of departure. Many thanks to Signe for the translation:

Ten Commandments from the Royal Garden

Every time I read it, I cannot help but laugh my head off at the world’s lousiest trick, namely the Trojan Horse.

When I first read the book in high school I could not imagine how someone could be so naïve, happy-go-lucky, and idiotic as to accept a “gift” from a mortal enemy without first asking a few critical questions.

But now, after the Copenhagen Municipality has approved the Iranian Mullah regime’s great mosque on Vibevej, it has dawned upon me that such naïve types exist, and that Homer’s adventure repeats itself in reality. The wooden horse has just been replaced by a gigantic building with a dome and four 35-meter minarets.

I enjoyed the book [Farshad is reading The Iliad in a park], and freshly fallen volcanic ash adorned the shrub next to my bench. But suddenly the shrub caught fire.

“Why in the world don’t you answer your mobile?” a voice said.

“Eh? I turned it off?” I said anxiously.

“I couldn’t get in touch with you on Facebook, either. So I had to call you the old fashioned way,” the voice explained.

“Who is it?”

“It is I, God. I have a message to the Islamic world. Write.”

I began to write.

“Dear idiots. You must shave off your ugly beards. You look like the great grandfather of the Neanderthal. […] And to all you women, who think you must cover yourselves with black garbage bags: Stop this nonsense. If I wanted you the cover up, I would have created you as a burka instead.

“I also have another newsflash. It is not just the Western cities that must be ‘multicultural’ and have mosques and prayer rooms. No. Also the Muslim countries and cities must be multicultural. Therefore I order millions of Christian, Jews, Buddhist and Hindus to go to Mecca and other places in Moslem countries to live there and build churches and temples. I hear that you spend billion of dollars on building giant mosques in the West. This is very interesting, considering the poverty of your own populations.

“Here are ten commandments for you — ten ideas on what you ought to spend your oil and drug trafficking money on, instead of building the spy nests that you call great mosques. Use the money on:
- - - - - - - - -
  • Building girls’ schools.
  • Building hospitals.
  • Building universities, that can educate open-minded citizens instead of fanatics.
  • Enlightening people that the earth is round, not flat.
  • Providing decent living conditions so nobody has to emigrate in the hope of a better life.
  • Getting rid of corruption.
  • Establishing a social security net for the population.
  • Accepting and taking care of refugees from other Muslim countries, so they don’t have to flee to the “impure” West.
  • Transforming the desert into fruit gardens You can learn a lot from Israel there.
  • Printing a new version of the Koran — without the many horrible, blood-spattering, and violent chapters that call for killing unbelievers, Jews and independent thinkers.

“Amen.”

Hat tip: Henrik Ræder Clausen.

4 comments:

Zenster said...

 Building girls’ schools.

That will certainly solve unemployment problems among out-of-work arsonists.

 Building hospitals.

Any girls in the schools that get torched will probably need the new hospitals' burn wards anyway. Plus, few better opportunities to practice surgical reattachment exist than those provided by the enforcement of shari'a law.

 Building universities, that can educate open-minded citizens instead of fanatics.

This will first require a culture that prizes more than just one book. Tiny Portugaul translates more books in a single year than the entire MME (Muslim Middle East).

 Enlightening people that the earth is round, not flat.

Please try to recall how much more appealing the notion of a flat earth is to the smooth-brained.

 Providing decent living conditions so nobody has to emigrate in the hope of a better life.

For this to be achieved, you will first have to pry some pampered royal arses off of their solid gold toilet seats. Good luck with that.

 Getting rid of corruption.

So long as corruption is not physically painful it is de facto being rewarded. It will be amusing to see exactly which Arab legislator − you know, the ones who benefit most from corrupt practices − will be the first to voluntarily shred his own meal ticket.

 Establishing a social security net for the population.

They already have one. It's called, "Insha'Allah".

 Accepting and taking care of refugees from other Muslim countries, so they don’t have to flee to the “impure” West.

In light of how long it's taking any of the wealthy Gulf nations to admit those beleaguered "Palestinians" and resolve the Arab-Israeli crisis, it can safely be said that any refugee program has a snowball's chance in Hell.

 Transforming the desert into fruit gardens You can learn a lot from Israel there.

Learning from Israel pretty much strangles any such proposition in the cradle. After all, those greenhouses turned out so very well, didn't they?

 Printing a new version of the Koran — without the many horrible, blood-spattering, and violent chapters that call for killing unbelievers, Jews and independent thinkers.

They'll need a witness protection-style program to protect the printers from the blizzard of death fatwan that are inspired by such an attempt. Plus, they'll need a separate additional protection program for the administrators of the original witness protection program and a few more layers after that.

In fact, out of all the proposals, this last idea is the only one with any prospect of becoming a real growth industry. (Does Arabic even have a word for "industry"?) At least some of the more shrewd printers will make lots of money printing up all the various death fatwan.

Jedilson Bonfim said...

 Establishing a social security net for the population.

They already have one. It's called, "Insha'Allah".


That was brilliant...

Anonymous said...

That was funny. We can certainly use some humour these days.

Watching Eagle said...

Zenster is very good here. I have a statement for the West.

Think about Surviving:

Get rid of the Leftist traitors:

Take the following statement seriously (from the Reality Borg [the force of the Ummah])

People of the West--

Military Strength is irrelevant,

Submit to the Way of Survival,

We will add your biological and Technological distinctiveness to our own,

You will be assimilated,

Your culture will adapt to service ours."

Why should other cultures emulate the West, if the West doesn't know how to continue to survive?