Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Yes, Dallas, It's "Texas Pulled Pork Bar-b-q"

Earlier this week, I posted about the sneak attack on Jeff Goldstein. From out of the blue he was assaulted by deadly falafel balls and then his assailants escaped on Vespas before he was able to retaliate.

The incident got me to thinking: what would be the perfect response? After pondering it a bit, I came up with what I deemed the perfect (and thereby disproportionate) response retaliation for this small battle in the Long War.

What I had in mind was hitting them with some Texas-style barbeque sauce on pulled pork. I should have said parenthetically that this was mixing cuisines since pulled pork is mostly North Carolina and Tennessee. But I needed the pork for my retaliation, and I needed that goopy, viscous Texas sauce, too. So I combined ’em.

Big mistake. Texans came out of the woodwork to remind me that there ain’t no such thing as “Texas pulled pork”. I hate it when people spoil a good story by insisting on verisimilitude. So I wrote an update to the post, which the Baron liked so much that now I’m doing this uber-update, which pushes further up the page my response to those who wrinkled their nose at the idea of my saucy dish.

You might want to go to the link above to see Jeff Goldstein’s original story and my response. Then, what follows below is a copy of my flailing response to those Texans. Just consider it a coda to the first flights of fanciful revenge.

And if that’s clear, you’re a genius.

By the way, do you think anyone will ever google "Texas Pulled Pork Bab-b-q"? Sure would beat all those searches we get for "make a b0m" -- mostly from abroad, by the way. Not too many b*mb-builders here. Or at least they don't use Google for advice.

UPDATE: A reminder for all of y’all nit-pickin’ Texas commenters and e-mailers out there:

Satire doesn’t have to be accurate, just amusing. Yes, I know Texas “don’t pull pork”; y’all tend to be beef people, anyways. However, my dilemma was that pulled pork usually has thin North Carolina sauce, which, while very good, is not viscous enough to really gum up the works of the fleeing Vespas.

When faced with a choice of humor over reality, I always choose the former. Fortunately, there are enough non-Texans out there who wouldn’t notice my sleight of hand…or wouldn’t have if you guys hadn’t had to tromp onstage in your boots and stop the story in the name of accuracy…

Pulled pork with Texas sauceA pox on reality. Do you *really* think Mr. Goldstein was attacked with great balls of falafel? Of course not. For my purposes, this particular batch of pulled pork with its viscous Texas-style sauce continues to slop around in its tin tub aboard the helicopter — which is chasing the Vespas, who now realize that Fate is about to descend upon them in the form of a haram End to It All.

Oh, wait a minute! it’s not a helicopter carrying the tub, it’s flying pigs. Yes, that’s it: Texas pulled pork barbeque sloshes in a galvanized tin tub, which is being carried aloft by Mighty Flying Pigs. I can see it now, as they inexorably catch up to the Vespas, the latter desperately putt-putting down the dirt road while bits of rust fly off, making the Vespas lighter with each mile. Suddenly, from on high, …SPLOPPP!!![followed by a tin tub bonging into the underbrush like a broken liberty bell, while the feathery swish of flapping swine wings recede, and garbled Arabic cursing rises in the background]. Blue-helmeted guys with large towels — *Turkish* terrycloth towels, mind you — and Vespa repair manuals saunter in, stage left…

meanwhile, stage right, enter annoyed Texans in big boots who proceed to stomping on the sauce.

Everybody's got their priorities.


Dymphna said...

The Baron likes to say that since truth is ultimately unknowable, what matters is not what is true, but what is entertaining...a paraphrase of a quote in The Wreckage of Agathon by John Gardner...

Hey, that could be your motto, a4g!

Dan said...

Gooey BBQ sauce? Texans use a rub, it’s Oklahomans who use thick sauces; get a life man!

Wally Ballou said...

Arguing about barbecue with Texans? and I though this blog tried to stay away from sensitive religio-ideological battles. next you'll be venturing an opinion on whether chili should have beans in it.

Last thing you want is a Texas jihad (yee-hawd) on yer case.

Texas - isn't that "Baja Oklahoma"?

BTW, "flying pigs" are the unofficial symbol of Cincinnati, Ohio. I kid you not.

Also, see here

Dymphna said...


Bah. Texas is Baja Oklahoma.

Oh. Wally Ballou just said that.

Well, I repeat: B.O.

Dymphna said...

Wally Ballou--

I love the flying pigs of Cincinnati! That article long predated 9/11. I wonder if they still have the mugs and T-shirts or if they've renamed their marathon.

And do the flying pig sculptures still stand??

I was most impressed with
this trompe l'oeil painting. Not only does it seem to be well executed, but imagine a grocery store as a patron of the arts. I mean of "real" art, not the lightbulb-in-a-toilet-bowl kind of thing.

Must go to Cincinnati...

Wally Ballou said...

As long as we're on that subject, here are some Cinti architecture links. the "Queen City" has some fabulous surviving Beaux Arts and Deco architecture, and one of the most historic bridges in America.

Roebling bridge

Cincinnati Bell Building - check out the frieze.

buddy larsen said...

Ha--Wally Ballou--haven't thought of Bob & Ray in years--they brang a smile to me face--thanks!

Dymphna--"pulled" here in Texas is about the same as "jerked" (which gives us 'jerky').

About the same thing, though jerking may be a bit less elegant, perhaps due to time constraints imposed by approaching clouds of Comanche arrows or somethin.