Bill Gates, Apostate

It’s been two years since Bill Gates’ surprise announcement of his conversion to Islam.

It was just a year ago that Gates of Vienna posted an exclusive interview with Mr. Gates, or Abu Mai’saf al-Windaaz, as he called himself then.

Today the wunderkind of Microsoft has become disenchanted with Islam, and is no longer a follower of the Prophet.

In a second exclusive interview, the software magnate spoke to Gates of Vienna in his new home on the tiny Caribbean island of Santa Melinda, just to the northwest of Aruba. Mr. Gates owns the entire island, and we met with him in his sunny villa built on the slopes of Mount Vista, surrounded by lush tropical greenery with a view of the breaking surf below.

Q:		Why did you decide to leave Islam?
A:		There were several reasons. After I’d been there for a while, I started noticing subtle things I didn’t like. Men beating their wives… stoning for adultery… amputations for jaywalking… That kind of thing. Besides, it was virtually impossible to get a decent broadband connection in Saudi Arabia.
Q:		And why did you choose to move here to the Islands?
A:		Well, I was attracted to the cultural and spiritual environment here. I really like the people. And then there’s the fresh conch fritters and callaloo. Not only that, I installed a parabolic dish up there in the volcano crater, so it’s just like being in Redmond.

Q:

And now you’ve taken up a new career…

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		So what inspired you to start performing calypso music?
A:		Well, I guess it’s just the spirit of the Islands. There’s something about all these simple, happy people with their natural rhythm. I also noticed that a lot of them were carrying iPods, and I just felt obligated to help them overcome their misfortune…
Q:		And all of the songs are your own composition?
A:		Yes. Well, I had some help from one of our new products, Microsoft Maestro TM. It’s still in beta, so I did some of the debugging for the testing group by using it for my calypso compositions. It really helped me with the dialect, and also some of the chord changes.
Q:		What made you decide to release your first album on vinyl, of all things?
A:		Well, it’s not really vinyl, it’s virtual vinyl. Here, let me boot it up for you. [fiddling with the media center remote; sound of calypso music over the speakers] Slave-O Slave-O        Slave-O (Mohammed come and me wanna go home) Work all night and I chew de qat (Mohammed come and me wanna go home) Me get skinny while de sheikh get fat (Mohammed come and me wanna go home) Come mister Allah man an’ flog me to pieces (Mohammed come and me wanna go home) Come mister Allah man an’ flog me to pieces (Mohammed come and me wanna go home) He got six wives seven wives eight wives — enough! (Mohammed come and me wanna go home) Six wives seven wives eight wives — enough! (Mohammed come and me wanna go home) Slave-O        Slave-O (Mohammed come and me wanna go home) [hits the pause button]
Q:		So you drew on your experiences in Islam when you wrote that.
A:		Yes, I did. And this next one was inspired by the little Indonesian maid I had in Saudi Arabia, who was already covered in bruises when I first hired her. [hits play; the sound of the next track comes on] Man Smart (Woman Murdered) Dey say don’t put man and a woman together Unless dose two be married An’ if she don’ listen, den she got to go De woman get killed by de man you know There’s a good reason, the people they say That de man are beating the women always And in Arabia the women of today Murdered by the man in every way That’s right de woman is uh murdered That’s right de woman is uh murdered That’s right de woman is uh murdered, that’s right, that’s right [hits stop on the remote]
Q:		So where do you go from here? Have you given up on religion?
A:		No, actually, I’ve moved on to something a little more meaningful. When I came here to the Islands I discovered the Rastafarian religion. Now I’m growing my hair out, studying up on Haile Selassie, increasing my overstanding of Jah, and generally trying to be a righteous Rastafari. I’ve even learned to pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side.