Sunday, April 01, 2007

Bill Gates, Apostate

Abu Mai’saf al-WindaazIt’s been two years since Bill Gates’ surprise announcement of his conversion to Islam.

It was just a year ago that Gates of Vienna posted an exclusive interview with Mr. Gates, or Abu Mai’saf al-Windaaz, as he called himself then.

Today the wunderkind of Microsoft has become disenchanted with Islam, and is no longer a follower of the Prophet.

In a second exclusive interview, the software magnate spoke to Gates of Vienna in his new home on the tiny Caribbean island of Santa Melinda, just to the northwest of Aruba. Mr. Gates owns the entire island, and we met with him in his sunny villa built on the slopes of Mount Vista, surrounded by lush tropical greenery with a view of the breaking surf below.

Q: Why did you decide to leave Islam?

A: There were several reasons. After I’d been there for a while, I started noticing subtle things I didn’t like. Men beating their wives… stoning for adultery… amputations for jaywalking… That kind of thing.

Besides, it was virtually impossible to get a decent broadband connection in Saudi Arabia.

Q: And why did you choose to move here to the Islands?

A: Well, I was attracted to the cultural and spiritual environment here. I really like the people. And then there’s the fresh conch fritters and callaloo.

Not only that, I installed a parabolic dish up there in the volcano crater, so it’s just like being in Redmond.

Bill Gates: Apostate Calypso!
Q: And now you’ve taken up a new career…
- - - - - - - - - -
  So what inspired you to start performing calypso music?
A: Well, I guess it’s just the spirit of the Islands. There’s something about all these simple, happy people with their natural rhythm.

I also noticed that a lot of them were carrying iPods, and I just felt obligated to help them overcome their misfortune…

Q: And all of the songs are your own composition?

A: Yes. Well, I had some help from one of our new products, Microsoft Maestro TM. It’s still in beta, so I did some of the debugging for the testing group by using it for my calypso compositions.

It really helped me with the dialect, and also some of the chord changes.

Q: What made you decide to release your first album on vinyl, of all things?

A: Well, it’s not really vinyl, it’s virtual vinyl. Here, let me boot it up for you.

[fiddling with the media center remote; sound of calypso music over the speakers]


Slave-O        Slave-O
(Mohammed come and me wanna go home)
Work all night and I chew de qat
(Mohammed come and me wanna go home)
Me get skinny while de sheikh get fat
(Mohammed come and me wanna go home)
Come mister Allah man an’ flog me to pieces
(Mohammed come and me wanna go home)
Come mister Allah man an’ flog me to pieces
(Mohammed come and me wanna go home)
He got six wives seven wives eight wives — enough!
(Mohammed come and me wanna go home)
Six wives seven wives eight wives — enough!
(Mohammed come and me wanna go home)
Slave-O        Slave-O
(Mohammed come and me wanna go home)

[hits the pause button]

Q: So you drew on your experiences in Islam when you wrote that.

A: Yes, I did. And this next one was inspired by the little Indonesian maid I had in Saudi Arabia, who was already covered in bruises when I first hired her.

[hits play; the sound of the next track comes on]

Man Smart (Woman Murdered)

Dey say don’t put man and a woman together
Unless dose two be married
An’ if she don’ listen, den she got to go
De woman get killed by de man you know

There’s a good reason, the people they say
That de man are beating the women always
And in Arabia the women of today
Murdered by the man in every way
That’s right de woman is uh murdered
That’s right de woman is uh murdered
That’s right de woman is uh murdered, that’s right, that’s right

[hits stop on the remote]

Q: So where do you go from here? Have you given up on religion?

A: No, actually, I’ve moved on to something a little more meaningful.

When I came here to the Islands I discovered the Rastafarian religion. Now I’m growing my hair out, studying up on Haile Selassie, increasing my overstanding of Jah, and generally trying to be a righteous Rastafari.

I’ve even learned to pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side.


ΛΕΟΝΙΔΑΣ said...

Happy All Foole's Day!

Anonymous said...

You guys had me for a sec! Happy April Fool's Day!

Unknown said...

I wonder how many Muslims are aware that this is an April Fool's article. Mr. Gates may now have security problems like Mr. Rushdie, Mr. Van Gogh, Ms. Ali etc....

Baron Bodissey said...

Teresa --

Two reasons why I find this to be of negligible concern:

1. Almost no Muslim civilians read this blog. Those who scan it for CAIR or the various intelligence services are almost certainly well-versed enough in Western ways to understand that a joke is intended.

2. Bill Gates has daily security threats of a much larger magnitude than could be generated by my modest efforts here. He has to be one of the most tempting kidnapping-for-ransom targets in the entire world. I'm sure his private security arrangements are roughly the same as those for a major head of state.

Jason Pappas said...

I can just see Harry Belafonte coming out with this new nifty version. It's as nutty as what he's been doing these days.

Good April Fool's joke. As we know all good humor has some truth in it ...

Dymphna said...


Thanks for sharing, but not on the rug, please.

And, really, fellow -- not here. We're plumb out of barf bags.