Thursday, June 12, 2008

A Couple of Soviet Jokes

The best jokes I have ever heard originated in the Soviet Union. I recently encountered a couple I hadn’t heard before, and I offer them here.

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Soviet Joke #1

Down with the gummint!It’s a cold day in the middle of winter in Moscow, and a long line has formed in front of a butcher’s shop on the rumor that sausages will soon be available.

After the eager citizens have stood in line for an hour, slapping themselves and stamping their feet to keep warm, the butcher sticks his head out the door and says, “Comrades, I regret to say that the lorry has been delayed, and there will not be enough sausages for everyone! All Jewish citizens are required to leave the queue!”

Muttering and grumbling, the Jewish people leave the line.

The temperature drops and the wind starts blowing. After a couple more hours the butcher sticks his head out again and says, “The lorry has been further delayed, and there will be a distinct shortage of sausages! Comrades from the Moldavian S.S.R. are required to leave the line!”

So the Moldavians leave, and the remaining citizens continue their vigil as the wind blows harder and snow starts to fall.

A while later the butcher reappears and says, “The lorry is still not here! Comrades from the Estonian S.S.R., please leave the queue!”

And so it continues the rest of the afternoon: one by one, the various ethnic groups of the Soviet Socialist Republics — the Ukrainians, the Lithuanians, the Latvians, the Byelorussians, the Kazakhs, the Uzbeks, the Tajiks, the Turkmen, the Kyrgyz, the Armenians, and the Georgians — are all required to leave the line and go home. No one is left but the comrades of the Russian Federated Socialist Republic.

Finally, as night falls, with the snow almost a foot deep, the butcher emerges one more time.
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“Comrades! Counter-revolutionaries have sabotaged the fuel depot! The lorry cannot refuel, so there will be no sausages today! Everyone must go home!”

Muttering and grumbling, the Russians turn away and start the long walk home through the snow. One old fellow turns to the man next to him and says, “Those damned Jews! Why do they always get all the breaks?”

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Soviet Joke #2

Soviet dancingAn old Jewish man is riding on the Trans-Siberian railway on his way to Vladivostok, carrying a huge and heavy suitcase. He enters the first carriage, walks down the center aisle, and taps a fellow passenger on the shoulder.

“Excuse me, comrade — are you an anti-Semite?”

“No, of course not!” replies the passenger. “I am actually quite fond of Jews!”

The old man thanks him, proceeds down the aisle, and taps the next man on the shoulder.

“Excuse me, comrade — are you an anti-Semite?”

“Absolutely not! Some of my best friends are Jews!”

The old Jew thanks him and continues on his quest. All through that carriage, and the next one, and the one after that, he receives similar responses. Finally, at the end of the train, he reaches the last passenger.

“Excuse me, comrade — are you an anti-Semite?”

“I most certainly am!” the fellow replies. “Filthy kikes! I hate those f***ers!”

“At last, an honest man!” exclaims the old Jew. “Would you mind watching my suitcase while I go to the toilet?”

15 comments:

Zenster said...

Some true Soviet satellite humor:

Ronald Reagan is in Moscow to meet with Leonid Brezhnev. As he walks into Brezhnev’s office a young man in white overalls carrying a small toolbox brushes past him on his way out. Reagan enters to find Leonid furiously scribbling notes down while talking into the telephone.

And what a telephone it is! Wired into it is a forest of ribbon wire, BNC connections, D-Sub connectors, CAT5E cables, RJ-11 jacks, USB ports, fiber optic light pipes, coaxial cables, dipole antenna lines, three phase power leads and RF shielded conductors of every sort.

When Reagan tries to get Brezhnev’s attention, Leonid holds up a hand and says, “I just got this fantastic new telephone installed that lets me talk with Marx, Lenin and Stalin. I’ll only be a few more minutes.” Reagan nods silently then tells Leonid that he going to go wash his hands and will be right back.

Reagan dashes out of Brezhnev’s office and catches up with the young man in overalls just before he steps onto an elevator. Reagan asks the guy how much it costs Leonid to operate that new telephone. The installer replies, “Oh, about twenty dollars a month.” Regan tells the young man, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to install one like it in my Oval Office at the White House!”

The installer agrees and is flown directly to Washington D.C. on Air Force One so he can hook up the special telephone. Reagan pays off the installer and is so happy that his ears are clapping. He spends hour after hour calling Marx, Lenin and Stalin to hear how the Soviet Union was supposed to operate right down to its military strategies.

When the month ends, Reagan gets his telephone bill and is astounded to see that it’s for over ten thousand dollars in new charges. Reagan is outraged and flies to Moscow in order to confront the installer about misrepresenting how much it costs to operate his telephone. He tells him, “Look at this phone bill, it’s for ten thousand dollars! You said Brezhnev only pays forty bucks a month. I demand an explanation!”

The installer looks at Reagan for a long time and finally says, “You don’t get it do you?” Reagan says, “What do you mean?” The young man replies, “Marx, Lenin and Stalin … they’re all dead and rotting in eternal hell.” Reagan says, “So, what about it?”

The installer replies, “You’re long distance, Moscow gets the local rates.”

Jim C. said...

From an article about these jokes in Prospect magazine:

Yet there is an obvious problem with the idea that communist jokes represented an act of revolt: it wasn't just opponents of the regime who told them. Stalin himself cracked them, including this one about a visit from a Georgian delegation: They come, they talk to Stalin, and then they go, heading off down the Kremlin's corridors. Stalin starts looking for his pipe. He can't find it. He calls in Beria, the dreaded head of his secret police. "Go after the delegation, and find out which one took my pipe," he says. Beria scuttles off down the corridor. Five minutes later Stalin finds his pipe under a pile of papers. He calls Beria—"Look, I've found my pipe." "It's too late," Beria says, "half the delegation admitted they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."

Hyphenated American said...

Brezhnev is making a speech to his comrades. A man stands up and asks "Comrade Brezhnev, what would be our war strategy if China attacks us. There are more than a billion Chinese people". Brezhneve thinks for a minute and replies "We will fight same way Israeli Jews fight with the Arabs - they rely on quality, not quantity". Another man stands up and asks "Comrade Brezhnev, are you sure we have enough Jews?"

Moko said...

I have a funnier joke:

Islam, religion of peace.

Morten Dreyer said...

USSR had to import huge mountains of grain.
That was rather surprising for a country witch was abel to harvest 5 times a year.

Yes.

One time in Rusland
One time in Poland
One time in Hungary
One time in East Germany
One time in Bulgaria

:-)

Zenster said...

Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar and Napoleon Bonaparte are standing together on the Kremlin’s balcony watching a May Day parade of soldiers and military equipment pass by on the boulevard below.

Alexander looks at the tanks and exclaims, “With chariots like those, all Asia would have been mine!”

Caesar glances down at the missile launchers and vows, “With those fire arrows, the Roman Empire would never have fallen!”

Napoleon points over to a Pravda newspaper rack and says, “If I’d only had that, no one would ever have found out about Waterloo.”

Jack Grant said...

Under Capitalism man exploits man, but under Communism it's the other way around.

Zopilote said...

Brezhnev was hosting a Chinese minister and the Chinese asked him
how things were going with the Soviet economy.


"Let me put it this way," replied
Brezhnev..." Reagan has 100 advisors and one of them is a spy but he doesn't know which one."

"Mitterand has 100 mistresses and
one of them has AIDS but he doesn't
know which one."

" I have 100 economists and one of them is smart but I don't know which one."

Paul said...

This will be a Soviet joke....

So this guy walks into General Motors and says "I hear you need a
CEO....here I am". He was asked if he had any experience at running a
company, he said he worked at a car dealership for a few years.."but
that's not the issue...let's stick to the issues".

Someone said they heard his wife told people that GM wasn't worth a damn until he decided to apply for the job...now she says she's proud of GM. "Hey, lay off my wife, that's not the issue"

Someone else asked him why he was so friendly with the guy who claimed GM sabotaged all cars going to black neighborhoods so accidents would kill black people. He claimed he never heard that...but even if he did, that was not the issue.

Someone else asked him what the "issue" was and he said "The issue is that if you don't give me the job you are a racist...besides, you'll feel so much better about yourselves after you give it to me.

At the conclusion of the interview the company representatives said "since we aren't basing our decision on your qualifications and ability, your judgment about the people you choose to be close with, or your experience at the job...we'll see you Monday morning. Welcome aboard, and have fun running our company. You should pick it up pretty quick, after all, you give such nice speeches.

Zenster said...

An aging Hero of the Soviet Union stands in a long queue that has formed outside a Moscow butcher shop. Even as the snow continues to pile deeper, the line has not moved a millimeter. The Hero begins grumbling out loud to the man standing beside him about how poorly the USSR’s veterans are treated. The man asks, “Well, what are you going to do about it?”

Much to his astonishment, the old soldier draws an enormous long-barreled revolver from beneath his winter overcoat. The veteran asks the man next to him to hold his place in line. Striding towards the Kremlin, he shouts back at his comrade, “I’m off to shoot the Prime Minister!”

An hour or two later, the old soldier tramps back up the street and resumes his place in line. After a few tense minutes, the man standing next to him in line no longer can stand the suspense and inquires, “Well, comrade, did you shoot the Prime Minister?”

The Hero replies, “No! There was a line for that too!”

Heartland Infidel said...

A man was filling out a job application in the Soviet Union. The first question was, "Where were you born?" He answered, "St. Petersburg."
The next question was "Where were you educated?" and he answered, "Petrograd."
The next question was "Where do you live?" and he answered,"Leningrad."
Then they asked, "Where do you want to live?" and he answered, "St. Petersburg"!

Dymphna said...

Marine T sent this in a e-mail. Not strictly speaking a Russian joke, it is nonetheless a wonderful Jewish joke:

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
' OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie.'


So you see, the venue changes for the Jews: no more Moscow winters, now they face sand and heat. Their adversaries aren't much different, however.

no2liberals said...

Perhaps the Baron did not remember this date in history, but it was the date of the beginning of the end of the joke known as the USSR.

MarkL said...

This is a very, very long joke when told in original. When first told to me, it was well over half an hour in the telling, and we laughed ourselves (literally) sick. Um... we were all 'socially confused'.

I will drastically abridge it

Brezhnez could never impress his mother. He struggled and finally clawed his way to the top over piles of bleeding corpses, General Secretary of the Communist party of the Soviet Union! (GSCPSU, to save typing)

He summoned his guards and said. 'Take my ZIL limousine and go and get my aged mother, for I am Leonid Brezhnev, GSCPSU! And they did.

Leonid's mother was startled to see a ZIL, escorted by 500 men of the Taman Guards, complete with tanks, SAM launchers, you name it. She was ushered aboard and plied with the finest vodka, Beluga caviar, Belgian chocolates, all manner of luxuries, all served in the finest crystal.

She arrived at a magnificent dascha, four stories high, and her son met her (very long description of luxury of the place, hot and cold running bimbo's etc etc etc etc follows)

Leoniod says 'Well, mother, what do you think of how well your son has done?' She does not reply, only looks worried.

(This part of the joke just goes on endlessly, enumerating all the privileges of the vlasti. Each luxury, she looks more worried. I'll skip to the punch line)

Finally, after a week of showing off all his privileges, palaces, vehicles, aircraft, concubines, troops etc etc etc, Leonid (worried by his mother's silence and increasingly worried and concerned look), finishes the grand tour of the vast and luxurious Black Sea palace overlooking the ocean, with 50 ships of the navy conducting manoevres offshore just to please his eye.

He turns to his mother and says once more time 'Well, mother, what do you think of your little Leonid NOW???'

To his amazement, she bursts into tears!

'Mother, mother, what is wrong, I have all these marvellous things! (full enumeration of all the privileges of the vlasti), I am GSCPSU!

WHY are you crying?

'Oh, Leonid' she days.

I am so worried for you!'

'Why?' he says 'I am the General Secretary of the Communist party of the Soviet Union!'

His mother replies 'Oh Leonid, I am so worried about you!'

'Why? 'says Leonid.

Oh, Leonid! she sobs,'What will happen to you when the Communists come?'

MarkL
canberra

Asiabizblog said...

1) A new postage stamp with the head of Brezhnev on it has been deemed a failure and withdrawn. People were spitting on the wrong side.

2) Dubcek found a genie's lamp in the sand and when he polished it, POOF, out came the genie.

Genie: "Master of the Lamp, I grant thee three wishes. What may they be?"

Dubcek: "Hmm. Well, let's see. Oh, I know. I wish that Mao Tse-tung would invade Prague and retreat."

Genie: "Thy wish is my command. And your second wish?"

Dubcek: "I wish that Mao Tse-tung would invade Prague and retreat."

Genie: "But, Master, that is identical to your first wish."

Dubcek: "Indeed."

Genie: "Then thy second wish is my command. And your final wish?"

Dubcek: "Ditto."

Genie: "Forgive me, Master?"

Dubcek: "I said, for my third wish, I wish that Mao Tse-tung would invade Prague and retreat."

Genie: "It is highly irregular that I grant three identical wishes. Are you certain?"

Dubcek: "Oh, but yes."

Genie: "May I ask why you wish that Mao Tse-tung would invade Prague three times and retreat?"

Dubcek: "Because he'd have to fight his way across Mother Russia six times!"