Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Dymphna and the Ladder of Doom

Or, Who Gives a Fig?

The anthropophagous fig tree.I told Dymphna that her loyal readers deserve an update on her condition, so she has given me her permission to issue a progress report.

Her knee is much better; she is off the crutches now and hobbling around. The doctor wants to get an X-ray of her back to check for a possible compression fracture of a vertebra, but so far she is resisting. Right now she is suffering from the debilitating side effects of hydrocodone, and is resting. Earlier she managed to rouse herself long enough to comment on Belmont Club.

At the right you can see the ladder and the fig tree that are responsible for her distress. One of the malicious ripe figs is circled in red.

Dymphna is unwilling to leave those figs to their own devices, and insists that I must mount an expedition to resume where she left off. Given the baleful reputation of the site, I am loath to do so. But I am nothing if not an obedient husband, and am looking around for a good sherpa and some bottled oxygen…


Engineer-Poet said...

Take a soup can or small coffee can.  Cut a V-shaped notch in the rim using tin snips or the like.  Affix to a long stick or pole using whatever fasteners are ready to hand, so that the V-notch is opposite the stick.

Maneuver the can so that the fruit falls within and the stem goes into the V-notch.  Raise the can so that the stem is severed.  Repeat until can becomes too heavy with fruit to be maneuvered.  Empty.  Continue until fruit is all collected or you run out of patience, energy, appetite or friends upon whom to bestow bounty.

Dymphna said...

Excellent idea, E-P. I love practical solutions. I've been lying on my bed of pain thinking of things like that, but didn't come up with anything so clever as your idea.

The figs on that tree, perhaps because it gets too much shade, are mostly good for preserves.

goesh said...

I wish her well and a speedy recovery! Disability via fig?? oh no!

Baron Bodissey said...

Goesh, do you think there's a government program to cover her for this? The Relief for Persons Injured by Fruit Tree Act (RPIFTA), maybe?

goesh said...

-just have her dye her hair black, put in brown contacts and speak in broken English with alot of Spanish thrown in, and tell em' she was picking fruit and fell from the ladder - that should get you a check and free medical care for the next 30-40 years

goesh said...

PS - she may have to go to the sun tan booth for a while too before applying for benefits

Edna Barney said...

I knew when I first heard you blog about Dymphna's figgy fall, that her injury was probably more serious than described. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

Baron Bodissey said...

Dymphna is dictating this response:

"In Zone 7b, Brown Turkey figs grow best and are the most widely available, though Edible Landscapes (a nursery that sells food-producing plants) offers wider varieties by mail.

"I agree that ripeness is key to picking figs; for B.T. it's when the attaching stem goes limp. So Engineer-Poet's method would work.

"It's not surprising that there is salacious poetry about figs out there. I've written one or two myself about their resemblance to the scrota of homo sapiens.

"Question: what time of year of best for hard pruning (given that we live in Central Virginia)?

"I love dictating. Seems to bring out my natural self."

I hereby certify that the above is a true and accurate transcription of the words of Dymphna.

Baron Bodissey said...

Andrew --

Dymphna would have been OK at the level of the ladder she was on, if only she hadn't had BOTH hands full of figs when she tried to descend. Greed did her in.

Engineer-Poet said...

'Twasn't my idea originally; I found it in a magazine long ago and it is probably older than I by a considerable margin.  But I'm always keen on passing along "best practice" methods.