World Ends; Women and Minorities Hardest Hit

We were waiting for the end of the world,
waiting for the end of the world,
waiting for the end of the world.
Dear Lord, I sincerely hope you’re coming,
’cause you really started something.

— Elvis Costello, from “Waiting for the End of the World”

The latest from Reuters:

The much-anticipated end of the world arrived today, causing disruption in the financial markets and throwing into doubt any resumption of bipartisan congressional negotiations to craft a tax plan that might avert the “fiscal cliff”.

As the midnight line began its journey across the Western Pacific, signs of the Apocalypse were noted all across the region. The Four Horsemen were observed off the island of Vanuatu, galloping over the water as if it were the Plain of Megiddo. As the End of Days swept across New South Wales, Australians reported both Bangs and Whimpers in various locations. Further north in Japan, earthquakes, fire, pestilence, famine, and tidal waves rippled across the islands as midnight arrived.

President Obama has scheduled an End of Days speech and press conference for 11:00 pm Eastern Time. A White House spokesmen said that the President will use the occasion to unveil his plan for turning the End into “an uplifting occasion of renewal as Americans gather in true equality and prosperity to face the future with optimism and new resolve.” The spokesman refused to comment on speculation that Mr. Obama’s “Apocalypse Now” plan would include additional taxes on corporations and the wealthy.

After his speech the President plans to take Air Force One and fly ahead of the midnight line to his birthplace in Hawaii, where he will await the End with a reduced staff of 6,000.

Although still too early for meaningful results, exit polls in Brisbane, Canberra, Seoul, Manila, and Tokyo indicate that women, minorities, the poor, the elderly, and children with medical problems have been hardest hit by the End. Gays and transgenders also report that the Apocalypse will have a disproportionate impact on their lifestyles.

A spokesman for the Organization of Islamic Cooperation blamed “Crusaders and Zionists” for the End, but said, “Even so, the hearts of faithful Muslims will never waver in their dedication to jihad in the cause of Allah. We await our imminent arrival in Paradise with great anticipation.”

A Mayan spokesman in Chichen Itza told reporters that the day is nothing special for him. “Today is Day 2,880,000 of the old b’ak’tun. Tomorrow is Day 1 of the new b’ak’tun. What’s the big deal?”