Mr. President — or, if I may be so bold, Comrade President — let me be the first to congratulate you on this joyous occasion. I delight in the reaffirmation of your leadership by the millions of citizens who have come to rely on your wisdom, courage, intelligence, and boldness. Together we can look forward with confidence to another four years together — or, if it be the will of the sovereign American people, even longer!
You could not have earned a more ringing endorsement of your place at the helm of the American ship of state. The earnest citizens of the great democratic people’s republic of America have indeed spoken!
The workers and the disabled; the children and the aged; the men, the women, and the transgendered; the many-hued peoples of this land: all have raised their hands in support of your enlightened governance. Even the beasts of the field lifted hoof or paw in recognition of the wisdom of your guidance!
Thanks to you, we are no longer divided by race or class. Together we live under your inclusive example as one color, gender, and lifestyle choice in our devotion to the common good!
Thanks to you, Americans of all occupations and all types of federal assistance stand as one, determined to forge a mighty future under your leadership. Together we will take a great leap forward along that shining path that leads to the golden dawn of a radiant future!
Thanks to you, we are no longer bound with the chains that heretofore shackled us. We once were slaves of money, but now we are free! Together we will happily give of our wealth, finding ourselves no longer in need of material goods, since we enjoy the gratifying privilege of striving with you for spiritual fulfillment!
Today we live in a new kind of America. An America without strife. An America without partisan divisions. An America whose people truly live as one.
Our country has outgrown acrimonious dissent, since all reason for disagreement has vanished with your elevation to the position of supreme leadership.
We can be confident that you will be the President not just of these fifty states, but of all the peoples of the globe who look to you for relief and sustenance. We know that you will be there to defend the downtrodden victims of injustice and oppression wherever they may be found, whether in Kashmir or Ramallah, in Tunis or in Kosovo, in Marseille or in Dearborn.
You, Barack Hussein Obama, are our rightly-guided Dear Leader.
I am confident that I speak on behalf of all Americans when I say: “Peace be upon You!”