Thursday, April 24, 2008

I Hear My Train A-Comin’

I hear my train a-comin’Recent events have inspired me to write a series of mini-dramas, each featuring a dialogue between Baron Bodissey and Mr. Interlocutor, the late great Vaudeville star.

The setting: Out on the lonesome prairie we see Mr. Interlocutor standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, while Baron Bodissey watches from nearby.

Scenario #1

Baron B.: Look out! A big steam train is coming at you fast!
Mr. I: You’ve got to remember that not all steam trains are bad.
Baron B.: But this one is about to hit you…
Mr. I: Besides, what do you have against steam? Are you a fuelist?
Baron B.: I —
Mr. I: You’ve got to be careful; people may perceive you as a fuelist, even when you’re not.
Baron B.: Wait —
Mr. I: Especially if you associate with crypto-dieselists.
Baron B.: Oh, no…
Mr. I: SPLAT!

Scenario #2

Baron B.: Watch out! A train is coming fast!
Mr. I: Are you advocating a train wreck?
Baron B.: No, I just —
Mr. I: When you simply describe the train wreck, you’re actually opening the door to recommending it.
Baron B.: Hey, man, look behind you!
Mr. I: Why should I? Do you want me to give credence to you and all your fellow wreckists?
 (Sound of a train whistle, very close)
Mr. I: Don’t you scream at me!
Baron B.: Oy vey!
Mr. I: SPLUD!

[…]

Scenario #2,115,282
- - - - - - - - -
Baron B.: Get off the track! There’s a train coming!
Mr. I: What kind of train?
Baron B.: A fast one!
Mr. I: It’s important to distinguish between radical trains and moderate trains.
Baron B.: Too much steam! I can’t tell!
Unseen Engineer: (Very loudly) Get off the track, you moron!
Mr. I: This is great! I welcome the dialogue…
Baron B.: Oh, noooo —
Mr. I: BLORF!

There are several million more of these, but I think you get the general idea.

Feel free to write additional scenarios of your —

SPLOBSH!

20 comments:

Findalis said...

Any way you put it the idiot gets splatted.

Thanks for the laugh.

Natalie said...

Baron, this post is one the many reasons why I love you.

(I hope that doesn't sound weird, being that I've never actually personally met you....)

ScottSA said...

The perfect reply to the Grand Poohbah of Idiots. What a maroon Charles is.

Diamed said...

LOL. Let's see:

Mr. D: Watch out! There's a train coming!

Mr. I: So what? I won't be here when it arrives.

Mr. D: But it will hit Sally, and George, and Hanna!

Mr. I: What are they to me, what is anything to me?

Mr. D: Oh nooooo!

sploosh, splish, splash.


I think that's the more melancholy problem.

the_quay said...

who is Charles?

The Poster Formerly Known as Gordon said...

Of course there is a fourth option.

Successful assimilation of Muslims into European (and American) culture.

That's one area where Gates of Vienna and Charles Johnson/LGF agree - my fourth option is an impossibility. The only difference between the two of you is that Charles Johnson is too much of a lying deceiver (or delusional fool) to acknowledge this, whereas the crowd on this website acknowledge it openly.

But I think there is a at least a decent chance Gates of Vienna and LGF have one more thing in common.

You're both wrong to think that assimilation of Muslims into European and American culture is impossible.

You, of course, will say "why take the chance?" to which I don't have a very good reply. Perhaps the only reply I have is that if the only way we can save our civilization is to commit genocide, then perhaps our civilization isn't worth saving.

Mikael said...

Mr. M: Look out, there's a train coming!

Mr. X-G: So what? What's one more train?

Mr. M: But it's heading straight at you!

Mr. X-G: Rubbish! You should give it the benefit of the doubt.

Mr. M: [Very loud] Get out of the frigging way, you blithering...

Mr. X-G: Besides, it's only the engine that might cause a few problems. The wagons will blend in nicely with our own wagons, and before you know it, you won't be able to tell the difference.

Mr. M: OK, suit yourself. But here's a hint: The engine is the one in the front.

Mr. X-G: C'mon! Don't be so biased as to think automatically that...[SPLAT!]

rholme said...

Nice stories, but you forget one thing. In the real world it is not only the fool who gets hit by the train. It is going to make an explosion killing you too, along with your friends, family and everything you hold dear.
In the real “train wreck“ there are no untouched bystanders.

TC said...

Baron

THX for the laugh early in the morn'

That was too good to not be translated into German

HERE goes

Sagunto said...

I agree with Mr. Nodrog that other scenario's are possible, though I deplore his apparent lack of creativity. So here goes..

Let me introduce the dramatis personae as they take to the stage of scenario IV, Act I:

Mr. Grey: the poster who likes to emulate TAFKAP.
Mr. Shady: Mr. Missa Milsum, which of course is sort of an anagram of the elusive assimilated Muslim.
Mr. White: the stubbornly naive person, also known as Mr. Interlocutor.
Mr. Black: the Baron, the tragic hero of this retro-modern epic.

Scene:
- Nodrog, Mr. Grey that is, and Missa "Shady" Musli-.. eh Milsum have occupied a nice coupé on the one-way track steamroller. Shady lifts his behind from the pluche (no that's European) .. the stuffed velveteen seat and peers outside through his binocs. Homing in fast on a fiercely gesticulating figure, he recognizes the Baron, Mr. Black.. We will follow their conversation in progress...

Grey:
- What do you see Mr. Shady?

Shady:
I see a man.. standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, blocking our road to destiny..

Grey:
- Such eloquence dear sir; is that all you see?

Shady:
No wait! Another man is jumping up and down like mad beside our path of progress, shouting at the other...

Grey:
- How vivid yet fitting your depiction of things; you'd think they are trying to stop this train?

Shady:
Oh no, no way dear Mr. Grey sir, the one obstacle is backing us eh.. or how does one say in American, yes: his back is facing us and the other seems bent on saving him from being locomoted, so to speak. [grins]

Grey:
- Hear, hear, how I love your newspeak Mr. Shady, a true asset to our culture! So we won't stop you reckon?

Shady:
No Mr. Grey, we won't. Nothing can stop us now and we won't stop at nothing! Our advance is the progress of the nation; one big reorganized family dedicated to the supremacy of public need, Ansjillah!

Grey:
- You mean, we will..

Shady [slightly irritated]:
Will what?

Grey:
- You meant to say that we will stop at nothing, dear Mr. Shady..

Shady:
Don't you patronice me, Mr. Bleachwater sir! Just because my English seems somewhat queer every now and then!

Grey:
- Queer indeed Mr. Shoddy sir; what was that you said, that little something with -illah?

Shady:
Yes well, I'm sorry I got a little carried away. I meant to say "God willing" of course. But in progress we trust, or do we?

Grey:
- That's right Mr. Shady, we're the true Progressives! Remember that.

Shady:
Hey, did you just feel that bump?

Grey:
- Bump? Oh, that's nothing. I fear there will be many more "bumps" in store. Now you watch ahead Mr. Shady and enjoy the scenery, while I resort to my reading of the Collected Works of Karen Armstrong.

- *** The End *** - (for now..)

..And along heads the train of lofty thoughts, to the end of the horizon. What will be happening in the next episode of this tall tale?


King regs from Amsterdam,
Sag.

Natalie said...

The poster formerly known as Gordon, please explain how it can be possible for Muslims to assimilate. Their whole religion is incompatible with democracy and our values of freedom, which is why I personally think Muslim assimilation is impossible.

The only civilization they can envision is one in which everyone is Muslim. I will NEVER be a Muslim and I never want to live in a society that is controlled by Islam.

Bilgeman said...

Baron:

The internet would be so much easier if the rules against what we may and may not think were clearly posted and universally enforced.

And in re: the El Ingles post, I think far too many people who should know better are utterly missing the point he was trying to make.

The Poster Formerly Known as Gordon said...

Natalie:

http://people-press.org/reports/display.php3?ReportID=329

I guess one response you can make is "they are lying, because they are Muslims."

Baron Bodissey said...

rholme --

You have missed my point. Who do you think it was, in the punchline of the post, who went "SPLOBSH!"?

Evidently there are no hard-core Pogo fans here; otherwise someone would have responded: "Oh dear, always they goes SPLOBSH!"

Dymphna said...

@bilgeman:
And in re: the El Ingles post, I think far too many people who should know better are utterly missing the point he was trying to make.

Those "far too many people" of whom you speak also never heard of -- much less read -- Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal."

I think if El Ingles had used Mr. Swift's genre, there would be an even bigger outrage.

Such is the price of ignorance. People read Karen Armstrong and no one ever tells them about Swift. Just another dead white male.

Bilgeman said...

Bastardized Heinlein Scenario:

The Limey: "Hey...what are you doing?"

The Bicyclist: (sobbing and crying)"I'm shooting my dog."

The Limey: "Why in blazes are you doing THAT?."

The Bicyclist: "It won't stop crapping all over my house."

The Limey: "Is he sick?".

The Bicyclist: "Not that I can tell, his nose is cool and moist, he's plenty active, and I know his appetite is hearty. He barks at the mailman every aftenoon"

The Limey: "What do you do when the pooch craps on your floor?"

The Bicyclist: "I clean it up and holler at him, and then post about it on my blog. They console me in my grief and holler at him too"

The Limey: "Do you spank him?"

The Bicyclist: "That's inhumane!"

The Limey: "No, it's not, just swat him with a rolled-up newspaper...the News of the World works quite well."

The Bicyclist: "Are you inciting me to violence against an innocent canine?"

The Limey: "No, lad, it's training. Just put him on a leash, and lead him..."

The Bicyclist: "Put him on a LEASH? You are advocating that I imprison Fido for being what he is?"

The Limey: "Being what he is means that he craps in your house. If dog training isn't your forte, maybe you can get your pup a colostomy."

The Bicyclist: "You should be arrested! You're advocating imprisonment, physical violence, and medical procedures against Man's Best Friend...canines!"

The Limey: "Just out of curiosity, do you LIKE living among his droppings?"

The Bicyclist: "I hate it...they're enormous, and they stink!"

The Limey: "Well then, chap, I see no other course of action to solve your dilemna...carry on with shooting your dog."

The Bicyclist: "You NAZI! You Fascist! You...you...Speciesist! I'm going to my blog and warn all my friends about you!"

The Bicyclist bicycles off, the dog chasing merrily after him. The Bicyclist gets on his computer and taps away... and the dog takes a colossal dump on the parlor rug.

El said...

@bilgeman:

hilarious! thank you!

whiskey_199 said...

Gordon, there is no possibility of any great numbers of Muslims integrating into European standards (Judeo-Christian morality and behavior) for the following reasons:

1. Cousin marriage, from the old Country, such as Pakistan, re-inforces Muslim standards on polygamy, female genital mutilation, forced marriage, child marriage, burqua, and the like.

2. European elites pander to the "authentic" Muslims who enforce said standards, and don't do anything to help "moderates" by creating sticks (punishment and severe punishment under the law for all Muslims who break laws related to say, polygamy) and carrots (holding up those who adhere to European standards to various power/patronage positions). Thus Bungalawa who finds terrorism in London "cheeky" gets lots of support and plaudits from the elites, while Wafa Sultan gets the back of the hand.

3. Satellite TV and the internet allow Muslims to live in "Pakistan in Europe" and not adjust to European culture, standards, or even language. We see this in Southern California with Spanish Language TV and radio allowing Mexicans in the US to live in Mexico in the US.

4. Elites and Europeans through Multiculturalism do not DEMAND adoption of cultural norms. For example, it is perfectly legal for women to wear the burqua, and thus the symbol of Muslim male dominance and control over women persists.

5. Women, who often wish to assimilate to Western Norms are honor killed with impunity, etc. Europeans don't do anything as a matter of policy to protect women who wish to be European not Muslim. To do so would require ...

6. Running afoul of the Muslim political machines that European governments depend on for votes. No policy enforcing integration into European norms is possible because European governments, narrowly depending on votes from Muslims, cannot undermine the basis of their support.

7. Europeans elites themselves do not believe they should exist nor their norms exist. They arrogantly assume that the arrow of history points one way. Towards secularization. Something Ayatollah Khameni would like to disabuse them of.

Europeans (and yourself Gordon) assume that Muslims will just assume Western norms because they prove successful in building wealthy societies. That Tehran persists in pointless fights with enemies of it's own making (Israel, the US, etc.) should disabuse you of that notion as should 9/11. Bin Laden is no fool, he's a trained Civil Engineer and quite intelligent. Same for physician Ayman al-Zawahari. They just don't believe the same things you do.

They live in a different world. One where they don't believe, the "know" for certain what God wants them to do. Kill infidels.

Most Muslims do not share this certainty. But many share some of it, and none in very large numbers have assimilated.

The most stinging rebuke to your assumptions is that the 7/7 and 7/21 bombers all came from second generation Muslim youths, most of them wealthy and privileged. The Glasgow would be bombers were doctors (and had earlier set the London bombs).

Not all or perhaps even most of this is Muslims "fault" but the seven factors above preclude any happy ending of assimilation. Any more than "peace in our time" was anything but a dream.

I do not believe genocide is likely at all. I do think something akin to the Balkans, i.e. terror/counter-terror moving populations out, is quite likely. As is a man on a white horse.

Zenster said...

Bilgeman, that was excruciatingly hilarious. Far too close to the truth for comfort.

Bilgeman said...

El & Zen:

Thank you...thank you. i'll be here til Monday.

Try the veal..