A Concert a Day Keeps the Muslims Away
Haunted by vampires?
If so, don’t despair; the remedy is right at hand. As everyone who saw the Roman Polanski movie The Fearless Vampire Killers knows, a good bundle of garlic does the trick: the vampires go away.
Now it seems that this principle can be applied to Muslims as well, and — for those of you who aren’t especially fond of garlic — in a rather pleasant way too. And — as opposed to shark repellent — this method has proved itself effective in several, controlled studies and real-life conditions.
Obviously, a scientific breakthrough of this magnitude deserves a Nobel prize, but there is a catch: the potential laureates are all dead: Haydn, Beethoven, Mozart, Brahms, Nielsen, Gershwin, Louis Armstrong, Ellington and all the other great composers of fine music.
Instead, the Nobel Prize goes to the director of the Central Railway Station in Copenhagen, Denmark. Ever since its erection, this facility has been plagued by scores of winos and drug addicts seeking refuge from the bitter cold in the station’s heated entrance hall. Although harmless, they were a nuisance and confronted the casual observer with a somewhat less-than-optimal impression of this beautiful, classical, fin du siècle building.
Then, a few years ago and by sheer accident, someone played a tune from Wagner’s opera The Nibelungen Ring on the station’s loudspeakers and all of a sudden the hall was empty. Repeated experiments confirmed the initial observation, and now an eventual lover of Wagner’s “music” — if such a person exists — might buy a ticket to Copenhagen and never get further than its clean and sober main railway station.
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But scientific progress never stops. Owners of shopping centers, marts and heated bus terminals soon grabbed the idea and enhanced the principle. They experimented further and made an amazing discovery: just as Wagner was like a broomstick to winos and druggies, real music could repel Muslims. Of course, nobody can stand Wagner’s noise for more than a few minutes, but great music — not contemporary rap, rock and pop — is more selective. Civilized humans enjoy it and eventually stay a little longer (and buy more crap…) whereas Muslims of any sort, color or age mysteriously disappear like dew on an early summer morning.
So — to all of you who claim that everything is going south — rejoice: we’re now able to do our shopping and bus rides without being harassed by those “youths” formerly hanging out everywhere and — as an added benefit — we got rid of the terrible muzak and replaced it with enjoyable ear-candy.
Civilization isn’t dead.