The Journal of Ongoing Litigation reports:
In the last few months there has been a groundswell of class-action litigation filed from all over the country against ‘Big Sleep’ – the mattress and bed industry. The plaintiffs are citing hospital and funeral home statistics, which indicate that at least 93% of Americans die in bed, up from 77% in 1968.
A spokesman for one plaintiffs’ group in Oregon says, “Why isn’t there any outrage about this? ‘Big Sleep’ is causing mortality at twenty times the rate of drunk driving, but you don’t hear about MASP – Mothers Against Sealy Posturepedic!”
The American Society Supporting Less Inherently Comfortable Environments (ASSLICE) recommends that the following steps be taken by the US sleep industry:
It remains to be seen whether juries will find the arguments compelling enough to order the kind of cash awards that will make Big Sleep sit up and take notice. But I’d keep my eye on this one.
- Make mattresses harder and more lumpy. People will thus spend less time in bed, increasing their chances of survival.
- Increase normal working hours to 12 daily, and extend the work week to include Saturday, thus removing some of the opportunities to encouch oneself.
- Persuade the President to spearhead an advertising campaign in the national media, ridiculing those who spend large amounts of time in bed, and also linking sleep-related behavior to various disorders.
- Initiate a study (perhaps supported by a grant from the NIH) to find and test alternative methods of sleeping, e.g. standing in a line at the bank, hanging upside down from tree limbs, etc.
As a4g says: Yes, it’s satire.