Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Bugger All

We are deeply wounded.

Having been accused lately of bashing the Brits, we wish to remind our readers that we believe in equal opportunity bashing of all sorts. No one should be excluded, least of all we gun-slinging, loudmouth, rich and ugly Americans. Nor should we fail to mention our unique admixture of ignorance, tactlessness and lack of sophistication or good manners.

If I’ve missed any of our vices, list them in the comments.

And in the interests of fair and balanced bashing, you will find below an old “jumbo joke” from the free part of Randy Cassingham’s site. I can only hope that everyone feels equally offended - not least the Spanish, Dutch and Scandanavians, since none of these worthies are even mentioned in the essay.

This is an old chestnut, one with which you may be already familiar. If so, enjoy it again for the sheer pleasure of its sterotypical and politically incorrect sketches. However, do notice that the America-bashing is within the normal limits of truth since everyone knows America is a greedy, obese imperialist steam-roller, just waiting to flatten everyone else and grab all the goodies ourselves. That’s why we’re always armed: never can tell when one might run across a tot with a lollypop…

Oh dear! we forgot the Chinese and the Russians. Ah well, there’s always another day and another diatribe.

Enjoy!

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The normal level is “General Arrogance”, and the only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability

It’s not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert:

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate military posturing”. Two more levels remain, “Ineffective combat operations” and “Change sides”. The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdain” to “Dress in unform and sing marching songs”. They have two higher levels: “Invade a neighbour” and “Lose”.

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from “Isolationism” to “Find another oil-rich nation for regime change”. Their remaining higher alert states are “Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)” and “Beg the British for help”.

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Now if the Scandanavians or the Dutch or the Spanish, Russians, and Poles would like to start in on one another, feel free. As the Kingston Trio put it, a generation or two ago:

The whole world is festering with unhappy souls;
The French hate the Germans,
The Germans hate the Poles,
Italians hate Yugoslavs,
South Africans hate the Dutch…
And I don’t like anybody very much.


Plus ça change, dude.


Hat tip: The Future Baron

[nothing further]

13 comments:

Old Peculier said...

Bashing the Brits? Could be worse. Could be Bashing the Bishop.

Fellow Peacekeeper said...

I'm told that "pom bashing" is a national sport in Australia. Sort of a post-colonial backlash thing.

In any case the brits need bashing on the PC and Dhimmitude fronts, no less than the frogs deserved it during the car-b-q season.

Dymphna said...

You haven't seen the Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church of the USA. Gazing upon her, bashing would definitely occur to you.

see here:The Latest Chapter of the Incredibly Shrinking Church

On the other hand, maybe you shouldn't see it, since I do bash Henry VIII around quite a bit.

However, the interview is indeed breath-taking. This bishop doesn't think Episcopalians should reproduce *or* proselytise.

This new one is the most androgynous of all our bishops. Click the link just to gaze at her picture.

Even the NYT interviewer found her...umm, amazing.

(Skip 'enry, though. We've been there)

___________

Fellow peacekeeper--

The Baron asked me to inquire if you know any good Latvian jokes?

Fellow Peacekeeper said...

Sure. You mean of the self-critical kind?

Francis W. Porretto said...

"They don't respect us,
"So let's surprise them,
"Let's drop the Big One,
"And pulverize them."

-- Randy Newman --

Thunder Pig said...

"If ya don't get hate mail, ya ain't doing no good."

For every friendly email (or comment), I get 10 or more attacks from detractors.

I thought this was natural!

Wally Ballou said...

While we're celebrating International Brotherhood Week, let's bring back this golden oldie, as posted on GOV Nov 3, 2005:


Now for “I Hate the Dutch” by John Dowie:

I’m a British Tourist and I’m very, very rude.
I hate the stinking foreigners
hate their stinking food

I don’t like French or Germans
I don’t care for Belgians much
But worst of all worst of all
I hate the Dutch

The Dutch, the Dutch
I hate them worse than dogs.
They live in windmills
and mince around in clogs.

They don’t have any manners
They don’t say ‘thanks’ or ‘please’
all they eat is tulips
and stinking gouda cheese...

I’m a British tourist with a countenance severe
I love to strike the foreign type
And box their poxied ears

But there’s one woggy dago
I cannot bear to touch
The slimy crawling
stench appalling
snotty grotty Dutch

The Dutch are mad
Their fingers stuck in dikes
They use the wrong side of the road
And ride around on bikes

They don’t have any manners,
don’t have any brains.
There’s only one race worse than them
and that’s... THE DANES!

ps - Dowie Directed "All You Need Is Cash" for "The Rutles".

Nevsky said...

That's funny. It reminds me of a supposedly true story that I heard from some American military officers once.

There was a NATO military conference, and an Italian officer was giving a briefing. In the audience, an American officer and a British officer were sitting next to each other talking; a German officer was beside them.

The Italian officer's briefing was a disaster. As he was speaking, he had slides projected on the screen behind him. What he was saying was wrong; what was written on the slides was wrong; and what he was saying didn't match what was written on the slides.

The American and the Brit kept snickering and making comments. Finally, the German said to them: "Don't laugh. This time they're on your side!"

mellivora said...

The Finnish state of alertness:

1) Normalcy. No threat assumable.
2) Ignore. There is a slight threat. Act as if you didn't notice it.
3) Keep ignoring. If it doesn't go away with time, ignore it.
4) Make a virtue out of necessity. Get used to it and use it to your benefit.
5) Complain to authorities - police, town council, parliament and EU.
6) Boycott it.
7) Get pissed off, get your rifles, shotguns, any surplus diesel oil and fertilizer, any knives, axes, billhooks and flagons and see you at Rahikainen's barn at six of clock this evening. Dress code is camouflage overalls and felt-lined rubber boots. Take with also sleeping bags, tents, canteens, food rations and warm clothes. Reserve officers also bring compasses, GPSes and laptop computers. Password is "hakkaa päälle". Let's get 'em.

Old Peculier said...

This new one is the most androgynous of all our bishops.

Sounds like there were other episcopal gender benders. She really does look like a man though.

I love that song about the Dutch. What's to hate? But that's what you hate.

The British may be xenophobic but we're nothing like as xenophobic as those bloody foreigners.

Snouck said...

We mostly hate "Finns" here in The Netherlands.

A popular opinion website published a special feature were you can enter your zipcode and see the percentage of Finns in the population in your area.

Finns

you can find zipcodes for Dutch towns here: Dutch zipcodes.

It is a cool feature if you are looking on the internet to buy a house.

Regards,

Snouck

Aunty Belle said...

It's jes' so much fun when ya' make important points with humor. Thanky!

We in the West need to decide what our identity is--keep in mind that public policy is not made based on logic or as a response to a genuine need--PUBLIC policy (not strategic planning) is aimed at communicatin' to "our people" and our enemies something about who we say we are....so let's decide what we in the West are, who we are--then demand the public servants make policy accordingly.

Stephen Renico said...

This is an excerpt from Trevanian's 1979 book Shibumi (pg 152). Scene: Two men in the Basque country of the Pyrenees Mountains- one a gruff and ethnocentric Basque, named Le Cagot, and the other a Russian German aristocrat, named Nicholas Hel. They're talking about a Frenchman whom they both despise and just insulted.
______________________

Le Cagot patted the hostess's bottom and sent her after their food. "I don't think we have made a great friend there, Niko. And he is a man to be feared." Le Cagot laughed, "After all, his father was French and very active in the resistance."
Hel smiled. "Have you ever met one who was not?"
"True. It is astonishing that the Germans managed to hold France with so few divisions, considering that everyone who wasn't draining German resources by the clever maneuver of surrendering en masse and making the Nazis feed them was vigorously and bravely engaged in the Resistance. Is there a village without its Place de la Resistance? But one has to be fair; one has to understand the Gallic notion of resistance. Any hotelier who overcharged a German was in the Resistance. Each whore who gave a German soldier the clap was a freedom fighter. All those who obeyed while viciously withholding their cheerful morning 'bonjours' were heroes of liberty!"
Hel laughed. "You're being a little hard on the French."
"It is history that is hard on them. I mean real history, not the verite a la cinquieme Republique that they teach in their schools. The truth be known, I admire the French more than any other foreigners. In the centuries they have lived beside the Basque, they have absorbed certain virtues- understanding, philosophic insight, a sense of humor- and these have made them the best of the 'others'. But even I am forced to admit that they are a ridiculous people, just as one must confess that the British are bungling, the Italians incompetent, the American neurotic, the Germans romantically savage, the Arabs vicious, the Russians barbaric, and the Dutch make cheese. Take the particular manifestation of French ridiculousness that makes them attempt to combine their myopic devotion to money with the pursuit of phantom 'gloire'. The same people who dilute their burgundy for modest profit willingly spend millions of francs on the atomic contamination of the Pacific Ocean in the hope that they will be thought to be the technological equals of the Americans. They see themselves as the feisty David against the grasping Goliath. Sadly for their image abroad, the rest of the world views their actions as the ludicrous egotism of the amorous ant climbing a cow's leg and assuring her that he will be gentle."