Champagne for My Real Friends

Gates of Vienna Readers:

I’ve just received the most wonderful offer. I couldn’t wait to share the letter with you, along with my reply.

Aren’t people wonderful??

Here’s the letter:

Dear Blessed one,

My name is Mrs. Juliana Van Ron from Netherlands, I am a dying woman who had decided to donate what I have to you. I am 59 years old and was diagnosed for cancer about 2 years ago, immediately after the death of my husband, who had left me everything he worked for. I have been touched by God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to the you for the good work of God, rather than allow my relatives to use my husband’s hard earned funds ungodly. I have asked God to forgive me all my sins and I believe he has because He is a merciful God. I will be going in for an operation, and I pray that I survive the operation. I have decided to WILL/donate the sum of $3,500,000(three million five hundred thousand dollars) to you for the good work of the lord, and to help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the widows.

At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls, due to the fact that my relatives are around me and I have been restricted by my doctor from taking telephone calls because I deserve all thee rest I can get. Presently, I have informed my lawyer about my decision in WILLING this fund to you. I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to others.

Kindly Contact my lawyer through this email address ( alsolicitors@aim.com) OR (alsolicitor@lawyer.com) if you are interested, so that he can arrange the release of the funds ($3,500,000.00) to you. I know I have never met you but I have been directed to do this by God, and I hope you act sincerely.

NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished, as I don’t want anything that will Jeopardize my last wish, due to the fact that I do not want relatives or family members standing in the way of my last wish. Love,

Regards

Mrs. Juliana Van Ron


Oh lucky day! My ship has come in, and on deck is one Mrs. Juliana Van Ron, sailing in from the Netherlands (and looking none too perky) to share with me her worldly goods…(note to God: so what took you so long to show up with her? )


Dear, dear Juliana Van Ron…

May I call you Julie, dear heart, seeing as how you’re giving me three million cool ones?…What a sweetie you are! For that much money, of course, you can call me whatever.you.want. And whenever you want, for that matter.

I don’t know how in the world you glommed onto the fact that I needed the money,darling, but I sure do fit your criteria being as how I’m motherless, less privileged and a widow and all.

Oops. I forgot the Baron. Oh well, don’t worry, Julie, he can be dispatched stay in the background and be still as a mouse. See, what I’ll do is, every time I poke my nose out the door I’ll wear a long black veil. I realize some of the neighbors will think I’ve gone into the nunnery and others, who know me a bit better, will think I’m off to the nuthouse, but with three mil, let ‘em think any little thing they want, right?

I want you to know I’ve looked carefully into the situation and have decided that the Caribbean is the best location from which to carry out your wishes. There will be luxury hotels orphanages, nightclubs schools for deserving children, and casinos colleges with full scholarships for everyone.

It is only fitting that your name be emblazoned on each awesome edifice. Would you like neon with that?

As for your lawyer, have him get in touch with me at his earliest convenience. I’ll tell him where to mail the check…and no, sweet pea, it won’t be to my bank.

Believe me, I will invest your husband’s hard-earned money very carefully. And if you throw in a few extra hundred thousand I’ll take care of those mean relatives, too. No problemo, Julie. They won’ta bother you no more. They’ll feed da fishes, lady.

Oh, by the way, if this is a scam…nah, it couldn’t be; you sound too nice…but if this offer does turn out to be fraudulent, Julie old girl, I do hope you like to swim. If you’re not the sweet little old lady you appear to be, if you’re one of those nasty crooks that infest our email…let’s put it this way: I have every intention of sending you on the same picnic I have planned with some friends for your meanie family. Bring bread for the fishes, kid.

With best wishes for your health in your coming operation, I remain your "dear blessed one" --

Dymphna


UPDATE: Read further on the money scam on Starling David Hunter’s post: The African Canned Ham Spam

My Freudian slip: I had typed "Sterling" for "Starling"...hmmm.