Announcing the Formation of the RAU

Our German translator JLH sends this report on Obama’s latest strategy for dealing with the escalating crisis in the Middle East:

I have just heard that, in the wake of recent events, the Obama administration is authorizing formation of a third military emergency response team, the Rapid Apology Unit (RAU).

Confidential sources report that there will be rigorous competitive tests for membership of the RAU. Not only how fast a potential member can say, “We’re sorry,” but how many times consecutively in less than a minute, and how swiftly he can attach an ending appropriate to the particular insult.

Candidates will also receive training in groveling, kowtowing, and bootlicking from specialists in those disciplines.

This new form of emergency response is expected to engender feelings of well-being and reinforcement of self-esteem, leading to dancing in the streets and, at worst, the killing of a few local Jews or Christians.