Welcome to Britain!

An article in The Telegraph the other day reported that billions of pounds are wasted every year on immigrants to the UK who draw state benefits without qualifying for them:

More than 370,000 migrants who were admitted to Britain to work, study or go on holiday are now claiming out-of-work benefits, according to official figures compiled for the first time.

A reader who goes by “in_totidem_verbis” left this bitterly amusing recommendation in the comments on the article:

Here’s a draft for a ‘Welcome to Britain’ leaflet.

Bring your criminal record, your diseases (our free health service can cope by denying drugs to those who have actually paid something towards the NHS) and your warped anti-Western ideology. We rarely check any of these aspects.

To ensure that you maximise your State benefits, remember to bring as many wives, children and aged dependants as possible. If you haven’t got any, just invent them because, by the time your local Benefit Office (where some of your brethren can be found) cottons on to the fraud, you will have accumulated your own property portfolio, which we will not confiscate for fear of putting a criminal label on your ethnicity.

Do not forget to demand to be pushed straight to the top of the local housing waiting list, ignoring those fools who have been waiting patiently for years. Insist on the very best accommodation for your extended family; we operate a ‘sky is the limit’ policy regarding rents (don’t be alarmed, you shall not have to contribute a penny).

Forget about integrating with your host country as we will do everything to ensure that you are granted ‘victim’ status from the day you arrive. For example, speaking the local language will never be a problem, because we are prepared to spend vast sums of money providing interpreters. This is also true of many of our inner city schools and shops where you will find that English is no longer the primary spoken/written language. Furthermore, all of your customs and traditions, such as forced marriages and ‘honour killings’, will either be rigorously upheld or simply ignored, because our government guarantees your human right to flout our laws. Besides, you can always escape to your native country to avoid punishment in our Courts.

Terrorists will find this country particularly accommodating as successive British governments have an excellent record of surrendering to domestic terrorism. Simply scream ‘racist’ and we will not undermine your suicide bomber recruitment campaign. Note also that, should you wish to publicly vilify our troops, you are in no danger of being charged with treason, because our advanced society no longer recognises traitors, either inside or outside of Parliament.

If you are unlucky enough to find yourself in an immigration detention centre (always assuming we can be bothered to find you), you will be provided with every possible amenity, including expensive lawyers that we will pay for. We achieve this by impoverishing our own elderly, sick and disabled, and appropriating money from those stupid enough to pay tax. You should also be reassured by the fact that there is a free, comprehensive, taxpayer-subsidised system of appeals at your disposal. If all else fails, there is always The European Court of Human Rights staffed by over 40 foreigners who will ensure that the British legal system is about as potent as a neutered tomcat.

Finally, please note that the Exit door at the airport is reserved for the indigenous population.